Bored on a Wednesday afternoon and what do I do? Join match.com. I know, I know. I should have just cleaned my room. But I had been talking to a friend recently about dating and its unspoken application process. We realized that the first few dates are frighteningly similar to a rigorous job interview. The physical assessment, followed by a mental once-over of their strengths and weaknesses, a bit of banter, then a discussion of hopes, dreams and desires for advancement in… the relationship. Gah! Fortunately, as I just learned on my mid-week Sunday, there exist dating beacons known as match.com, eHarmony.com or the zanier, kookier crazyblinddate.com, that allow you to bypass the first few interviews and jump right into love, love, love! I decided to sign up for a free trial (for research purposes only) and get a better idea of what questions people are asking these days. What does the average singleton need to know about a potential mate to take the bait? What I found was, well, average. Not to knock these dating sites, but they’re playing it safe. They’re the crossed ankles and buttoned blouse of questions. “Would you care for a t-yuna sandwich and please describe your best feature. Options include arms, face, or bellybutton. One sugar or two?” No, what I really want to know about a potential partner has nothing to do with his 1-5 level of commitment to pets or our shared workout regiment. Sure, these generic questions will enlighten me to his aversion to reptiles and his toned biceps, but that gives me no hint as to how far I might fall. So I’m amending the dating application. I’m digging deeper, getting more to the point, opening up the questions for a more intricate analysis. Here are the prompts I’ve come up with so far:
- Do you smoke? Never? Liar. Don’t tell me you were never drunk and 19 at the Metro and maybe just puffed once or twice to catch the heavy-lined eye of that rocker chic?… Or, Yes? Why? And what brand? Check one, please. Parliaments? Oh pull up your Uggs and walk right outta here. American Spirits? Interesting. You must be vegan, or at least you stop and listen to the Greenpeace kids. Hot.
- Toilet paper orientation. Up or under?
- Does your voice get higher in pitch when agitated? How high? I don’t date anyone above an A flat.
- Religious orientation? East coast or west coast Catholic? Go to church for your mother? Jewish? Did you invite the whole class to your bar mitzvah? And was there a live band or a DJ playing the Spice Girls?
- Workout routine. How many times a week? Frankly, I don’t care. Rather, I will ask: Can you lift me over your head? (Someday if we’re ever in a lake or on the dance floor I’d like to have a Dirty Dancing moment. Cool?)
- Winter Olympics or Summer Olympics?
- Kids? How many? Oh my God, where?! Don’t talk about kids. I’m 22, and I am keeping this girlish fig-er for as long as possible. Now take a few steps back.
- Please describe your best physical feature. And no, “Legs” isn’t good enough. What part of your legs? Thighs? Kneecaps? Ankles.
This is all I can come up with for now; my laptop battery is about to die. But I’d love to hear your very own nit-picky questions. Maybe we can create our own dating site… for people who want to know all about those weird little things that make it or break it. We would revolutionize the dating application! So post some questions! Because, face it, there’s no way I’m falling for a 28-year-old law enforcement official whose turn-ons are as plebeian as public displays of affection and boldness/assertiveness. Now if I could find out how he felt about the public access channel’s Saturday afternoon dog show, well, then we might have a date…
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[...] Like, at the end of a movie in a movie theater that does not encourage talking, smoking, or cell phones. Now I’m certain that I’ve come across instances of potentially meeting the man of my dreams, only to realize that it is neither the time nor the place for romancing. For instance, I ride the L at 6 AM. No one wants to be hit on before noon, and that’s that. Or the other night I was walking out of Blockbuster, and passed a cute guy heading in. What could I have said? “Blockbuster!? No way! Funny story…” would have primarily quickened his pace. Maybe, “Ahhh! Don’t go in there, the buildings on fire!” would at least have grabbed his attention, as well as keeping him outside where I could ask lots of questions about his hobbies and workout regime. [...]
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