Last week my wife asked me to pick up a couple things on my way home. My son Matthew seemed a little warm to the touch, and we thought that he might have a fever.

For those who don't yet know, doctors recommend that the best place to take a baby's temperature is right up the old poop shoot. Most accurate spot. It probably is still the most accurate spot for everyone, but once we become adults, we don't randomly stick things up our own backsides. At least most of us don't. Those who do likely have their own little private parties, and that's just fine with me, as long as I don't get invited.

So yes, that's right. Our instructions were to place a thermometer inside an orifice of my son that spurts like Buckingham Fountain, except with far less predictability. Sorry if you might be grossed out by this, but whatever. My son's poop -- its color, consistency, and frequency -- is something that my wife and I are fairly obsessed with. We believe it will tell us how well he's eating, if he's healthy and growing as he should, and whether he has the potential to win the 2032 Olympic decathlon. Basically everything.

Back to the story at hand. I was out, my wife wanted to take Matthew's temperature. So she asked me to buy some AAA batteries for the digital thermometer. No problem, right? Yes, no problem. We said our goodbyes and I made my way toward Walgreens.

The phone rang again. Oh yes, she said, and KY Jelly. KY Jelly? Apparently doctors recommend that you use a water-soluble lubricant when taking a baby's temperature rectally to help get the thermometer where it needs to go. Vaseline, folks, is not water soluble. KY Jelly is.

(By the way, I don't know how my wife knows all these things. It's like she was born with this magic knowledge of the right thing to do at the right time. Mother's instinct. Or, perhaps, all those books she was reading during her pregnancy that I neglected so I could watch "American Gladiators." Either one.)

So here I stroll on up to the counter at Walgreens. In one hand is some KY Jelly. And here in the other hand are some batteries. Hmmm, the cashier was probably thinking. I wonder what power tools this guy has at home. Oh, but don't worry, Walgreens employee. We had no plans of inviting you to that party.

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