So they (by "they," I mean the evil baby product marketeers) have this product you can buy that looks like a little paper cone. They call it a Pee-Pee Teepee. Its purpose is to prevent a warm stream of your son's urine from shooting you in the eye like a cruel joke. The ones shown in the picture here are in the style of the "Wild West," according to the company that makes them, as if this is the OK Corral and your only hope to prevent a gunfight (of pee) is to buy these.

Pee-Pee Teepees come in a pack of five for $12. We use something similar. It's called a paper towel. You can get a roll of them for about a buck.

And thus begins the battle. Americans spend $7 billion a year on baby products, and if you think all of those things are necessities, think again. The only necessities for a baby are the following: clothing, diapers, and a boob or two. The rest is just gravy. Here are a few other ridiculous baby products that Bea and I have come across in our travels.

Diaper genie says, "That's all you want?"

One of the newest rages is a glorified trash barrel that the genius inventors have nicknamed the "Diaper Genie." Here's a one-act play I just wrote about the Diaper Genie:

Enter a young mother into a bedroom where her baby is laying in a crib. A mysterious lamp sits next to the crib. The mother rubs it and a genie magically appears.

GENIE: Hello, I am the diaper genie. I have come to grant you one diaper-related wish.

MOTHER: Could you get me a trash barrel?

GENIE: That's it? I could grant you the wish of having your child magically changed anytime you wanted. The Diaper Genie could do that for you. Or I could give you a lifetime supply of diapers so strong that they never leak. Think of the possibilities.

MOTHER: No, just the trash barrel. Maybe you could make the bags in the barrel smell nice so it kind of blocks out the smell of my baby's poop, though not really. I want it to smell like a mix of potpourri and crap. Pretty please.

GENIE: That's all you want, just a stupid trash barrel to put diapers in? Fine, here you go.

Diaper genie makes barrel magically appear in the bedroom, then disappears.

MOTHER (while looking to the audience, smiling and giving a thumbs-up): Thanks Diaper Genie, you're the best!

Creepy pillow hands

The picture says it all. This contraption is supposed to fool your newborn into thinking that you're holding him, putting him at ease and making him fall to sleep in a snap.

Instead, it fools your newborn into thinking that for some reason, Mickey Mouse and his huge, goofy hands have picked him up and are holding him awkwardly. Look at the picture, for crying out loud. Does anyone hold a baby like that, ever? Oh, and by the way, is this baby product listed on the sex offender registry board? Seriously, it's just creepy.

Raising Tony Hawk: knee pads

Aw, your little baby is crawling around and might get a little scratchy boo-boo on his baby knee-knees?

These particular ones, from Snazzy Baby, claim to "have allowed parents to enjoy their babies, no longer having to worry if their baby is crawling 'properly' on any floor surface or asking themselves, 'What do we do with our baby when we want to be outdoors?'"

I have an answer to both of those questions. The first answer is, "Is there a correct and incorrect way to crawl? If he's crawling in any way, you're all set." The second answer is, "When you want to go outdoors, take your baby with you outdoors. He'll probably be able to handle it just fine."

Unless your 5-month-old son is hitting the skateboard vert ramp doing a frontside ollie to 540 fakie bigspin, and ESPN Outside the Lines is filming him for an upcoming feature to be shown during the X Games, take the knee pads off your kid. Thanks.

Baby shoes

Is your baby walking?

"No, but he looks soooo cute in those shoes."

That's true. Maybe you should strap a pair of Speedo goggles on his face and stick a Wilson glove on his hand. After all, he doesn't know how to swim or play baseball yet, but gosh darn, he looks so cute when he's wearing them. Or maybe you can just carry your baby around without any shoes, just like you would carry your baby around with shoes.

The Baby Keeper, aka a new interrogation technique at Guantanamo

OK baby, this is what we're going to do. You're going to come into the bathroom with me. I'm going to suspend you from the inside of a dirty bathroom stall. You will hang there powerless and be forced to watch me pop a squat.

Word on the street is that Christopher Hitchens recently subjected himself to The Baby Keeper and only lasted about 25 seconds in the thing. Perhaps a slightly less horrible "interrogation technique" than waterboarding, but it runs a close second. According to Hitchens, that is. Read about it in an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair.

The WhyCry Baby Crying Analyzer

This product claims that it will be able to decode the various meanings of your baby's crying. From the Target listing: "The WhyCry baby crying analyzer interprets the various reasons for why your baby cries and displays the answer on an easy to read LCD screen. This device teaches new parents to distinguish the different types of cries of their baby."

The listing goes on to say that it distinguishes between the five different feelings of "Hungry, Bored, Annoyed, Tired and Stressed." Here's how I separate those feelings myself:

• Tired: Baby yawns a lot.
• Hungry: Baby hasn't eaten in a while and keeps moving his hands to his mouth.
• Annoyed: Baby keeps looking at the WhyCry Baby Crying Analyzer and frowning.
• Bored: Baby has watched the same episode of "The Wiggles" about five times.
• Stressed: Baby just worked a 12-hour shift at the steel mill but still needs to fix the gutters on the roof at home.

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