Now Casting--Cubs vs. Cardinals: The Movie

If you're looking for an entertaining blend of action, suspense, and intrigue, you don't have to wait for The Dark Knight. This summer's blockbuster rivalry is not Batman and the Joker--it's the Cubs and the Cardinals.

In true Independence Day fashion, the teams sparred this weekend with fireworks on and off the field. Tony La Russa ripped longtime Cardinal and current Cub Jim Edmonds, the Cubbies took two out of three in the series and the teams remain neck-and-neck in the Central Division race.

With nine sequels coming up in the final months of the summer (six at Wrigley and three at Busch Stadium), it's only a matter of time before Hollywood realizes the box office potential of this thrilling matchup.

To save some time, I've already assembled the cast. Ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, for your consideration, I proudly present the stars of this summer's hottest new action movie:

Cubs vs. Cards: Blue and White and Red All Over

Will Smith as Derrek Lee

A man of few words, Derrek Lee's numbers speak for themselves, and he's having another offensive year to remember. Though he's generally mild-mannered and a consummate professional, everyone knows what happens if you make Lee angry. Plus, you can't have a successful summer movie without Will Smith.

Gene Hackman as Tony La Russa

As the conniving, fiery manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, Tony La Russa is Public Enemy Number One for most Cubs fans and as dastardly as any villain that ever appeared on the silver screen. He'll stop at nothing to foil the Cubs' postseason ambitions and has been known to hit the bottle on occasion. A master of media-fueled mind games, La Russa spent the weekend telling Cardinals fans to "ignore" the return of Jim Edmonds to his old stomping grounds.

Nicolas Cage as Jim Edmonds

As a longtime member of the St. Louis Cardinals, Jim Edmonds was a "Cubs Killer" and was loathed by Cubs Nation. When his career spiraled out of control and his batting average hit rock bottom, he was offered a shot at redemption with his old nemesis and sought reconciliation through RBIs and clutch hits. While the Cubbie Faithful are trying hard to forgive him for his sordid St. Louis past, Edmonds' crossing of enemy lines has run him afoul of his Cardinal friends. He is a man without a country. Will he ever find redemption?

Wayne Brady as Alfonso Soriano

Heralded as a tremendous addition to the team before the 2007 season, Alfonso Soriano has shown flashes of brilliance, but is developing a nasty habit of landing on the disabled list. While extremely talented, Soriano has the ex-Yankee makings of a prima donna. When he returns to the lineup, what will become of Reed Johnson, Jim Edmonds and other productive Cubs who have been holding the bag in his absence?

Jet Li as Kosuke Fukudome

An expensive and much-hyped Japanese import to the Cubs, Kosuke Fukudome may not understand English, but his sweet swing and dependable defense transcend language barriers. Although he made a big splash at the beginning of the season, he has cooled off since then and critics are wondering if he's got the mettle to last in the Major Leagues. Will his recent selection to the All-Star team be the motivation he needs to finish strong and push his team to the playoffs?

LL Cool J as Albert Pujols

Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols is the perfect foil for Derrek Lee and often battles him for the top spot in most offensive categories. This weekend Pujols hit is 300th career home run at the tender age of 28 and won the first baseman's slot on the NL All-Star team. Lee will no doubt seek revenge.

Kid Rock as Kerry Wood

Ten years ago, Kerry Wood was Rookie of the Year and the young gun of a Cubs starting rotation that helped the team squeak out a Wild Card playoff berth. In the decade that followed, Kid K suffered his share of hearbreak by helping the Cubs squander three more playoff chances and suffering every arm injury known to the medical world. Against all odds, he's back as a fire-throwing closer and serves as the elder statesman on a Cubs team that appears to be playoff-bound once again. But this weekend he prevented the Cubs from sweeping the Cardinals by blowing a two-run lead in the ninth. Can he stay on his feet for one more chance at World Series glory?

Vin Diesel as Aramis Ramirez

All-Star third baseman Aramis Ramirez is the heir apparent to the Throne of Santo as an offensive powerhouse and a dependable defender at the hot corner. After a listless performance on the Cubs' latest road trip and a mysterious jaunt to the Dominican Republic to take care of some "family business," Ramirez appears to have his affairs in order and has started hitting the ball again.

Barack Obama as Carlos Marmol

Starting the season as the steadiest arm in the Cubs bullpen, Carlos Marmol has since deteriorated to a shell of the strikeout-serving setup man he was a mere month ago. Will Lou Piniella continue to rely on him? Or will the Cubs seek middle relief alternatives before the trade deadline?
EDITOR'S NOTE: Carlos Marmol could also play Barack Obama in Campaign 2008: The Movie.

Brian Dennehy as Lou Piniella

When Lou's not kicking some dirt and starring in Aquafina commercials, he's doing a bang-up job of managing the Chicago Cubs. In only his second year as skipper, Piniella's squad is looking to defend its Central Division bragging rights over the Cardinals. Adding to the intrigue, Piniella and La Russa played together on the same boyhood baseball team. One bad call from an ump could destroy this tenuous bond, however, and the dirt could be flying in both directions.

Most showings are already sold out, so consult your nearest scalper for ticket information.

This film is not yet rated.

Read More:

• Wrigleyville
• Cubs
• Chicago Cubs Baseball Derrek Lee Will Smith Summer Movies Lou Piniella Aramis Ramirez

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Matt Paolelli

Matt Paolelli has been root, root, rooting for the Cubbies since before he could stand on his own during the Seventh Inning Stretch. More