Two weeks ago, I went to a game at Wrigley Field and watched the Cubs lose 15-6 to the worst team in Major League Baseball. This week, I returned to Wrigley for the Crosstown Classic makeup game and witnessed what was arguably the worst loss of the season. Given these two horrifying experiences and the context of the 2009 season, I think I'm entitled to blow off a little bitter steam. I have always been and will always remain a die-hard Cubs fan. But we're dying right now. And it's hard.
Below are a few thoughts for key members of the Chicago Cubs organization. Names have been altered to protect the guilty.
Alfon-So Sore-iano
What's that? You think you should be the leadoff man? Why? "Because" isn't a reason.
What's that? Your knee is sore? Then why are you in the starting lineup?
What's that? The sun is bright and makes you fall down in the outfield? Here's some cash. Catch the next plane back to Yankee Stadium. Just don't sit in an exit row. In the case of an emergency, I doubt you'd have the stamina to help with the door.
Milton Boo-Radley
There are a lot of things I could say (and did say, when we signed you), but I guess my greatest disappointment is that you didn't find this rage and start channeling it into offensive production in April. That might have been helpful. Here's some cash. Soriano needs someone to massage his knee on the flight to New York.
Ignore-amis Ram-Error-ez
I look back on your 2003 arrival as one of Hendry's shining moments. You've served us well when you haven't been injured, but I have to wonder if the clock is striking midnight and we're going to wake up to find a pumpkin playing third base. At this point, cash might be more valuable to us than your cortisone-filled shoulder. Also, when a ground ball comes your way, it's generally expected that you will attempt to field it. Just a thought.
Mike FontOh-No
The experiment is over. You have not proven your extended usefulness. Do not pass Go. Do not collect whatever paltry amount we're paying you. We need that cash now more than ever. Plus, we'll need to be fitting Mark Grace's number for a flag soon.
Errin' Miles
I don't know why Lou keeps putting you in the game. It must be some sort of cruel joke that serves as a microcosm for the 2009 season. If you're batting average were any lower, we'd have to use four decimal places.
Jus-OK Fukodome
You definitely turned a corner this year, but you missed your exit at international superstar and got off at mediocre instead. Here's some cash. Keep driving.
Geovany So-So
Remember when you were Rookie of the Year? So does Jerome Walton. I knew it was too good to be true that the Cubs had one of the best catchers in recent memory. Insert marijuana joke here.
Carlos Ham-brano
We had some good times, Big Z. But you're getting better at playing softball and the Blame Game than baseball. We need cash and you need to take your circus to a new town. Everybody wins.
Carlos Uh-Ohl
Are you a setup man? Are you a closer? Are you just another empty promise? Make up your mind and we'll make up ours.
Kevin Dreggs
Nice goggles. Too bad they're rose-colored.
Lose Piniella
To paraphrase a Star Wars prequel that is almost as wretched as the season you just sleepwalked through, "You were the Chosen One! You were supposed to bring a title to Wrigleyville, not postseason meltdowns and managerial mistakes!" I don't know what you plan to do at the end of this season, but I think it should involve a picnic lunch and a fishing pole. You had your chance, old man. And you put in Aaron Miles.
Derrek Lee
I have no issues with you, big boy. But you could have chosen a better day to have a kid.
And...scene. I'm not gonna lie--that felt good. But now it's time to put bitterness aside and move on to fervent hope. I fervently hope the Ricketts family is financially prepared to eat a ton of overpriced salary money in the off-season. I fervently hope they will start fostering young talent in the farm system. I fervently hope they will find a new general manager who can build a team of solid players, not marquee names.
I fervently hope the bitterness will really go away.
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Matt Paolelli
Matt Paolelli has been root, root, rooting for the Cubbies since before he could stand on his own during the Seventh Inning Stretch. More
Comments
Funny post! They should use those player titles when Len and Bob go over the starting lineups before the game starts. I'd love to hear them read over the air and seen them on a TV screen lol ;)
As a rabid Sox fan my heart really goes out to all you Cub fans. Not that things are better for the south side American league ball club.
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