Actually, we knew you all too well. Before you even got here.

Fortunately, Jim Hendry finally made a roster move that I approve of, deciding to suspend Milton Bradley for the remainder of the dismal Cubs season after he once again ripped Cubs fans and the entire Cubs organization in a recent interview with the Daily Herald. Hendry has said he is unsure if the relationship is "fixable," which could mean that the Cubbies are done playing around with Milton and ready to eat the remainder of his colossal $30 million salary. Fingers crossed.

At the risk of crowning myself a prophet, allow me to offer a quote from my post on February 5, 2009:

I will join the chorus on this one and say that it makes little sense to relieve ourselves of clubhouse leaders and classy, old-school gentlemen of baseball like Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa only to replace them with Milton Bradley. The man has the self-image of Sammy Sosa with a fraction of the home runs.

I sleep at night by convincing myself that, although the Cubs are hundred-year losers, they are lovable because they try hard and respect the game. It's hard to convince myself that Bradley fits that criteria and I can't help but think he will drastically throw off the chemistry of a team that just traded away its outspoken leaders [Mark DeRosa and Kerry Wood]. I hope I'm wrong.

Sometimes I hate it when I'm right, but there was really no other way for this to end. Bradley claims that playing for the Cubs is a negative experience and "negativity" pervades the clubhouse, the media, the fans and anything else sporting Cubs colors in Chicago. I think there are hundreds of thousands of Cubs fans who would beg to differ.

Regardless of the fact that we were immediately swept out, the Cubs made the playoffs two years in a row. We didn't get there on negativity. We got there on positive team chemistry and offensive production. Both of those crucial elements were suddenly in short supply when Bradley put on the pinstripes.

From the beginning, the Bradley deal was a match made in Hell that simmered all summer and festered in the hot August sun. Bradley blamed his microscopic batting average and defensive miscues on the fans, the media, his teammates, the recession, Michael Jackson's death and anything else he could think of. Most players would give their left leg to play at Wrigley every day. Bradley treated it like a prison sentence.

Well, hopefully we will both be free of each other soon. Bradley can sulk off into the sunset and the Cubs can find a cheap, young player with class and heart to play right field.

The Cubs palette will need some major cleansing in the off season, and this is the perfect way to start.

Two weeks ago, I went to a game at Wrigley Field and watched the Cubs lose 15-6 to the worst team in Major League Baseball. This week, I returned to Wrigley for the Crosstown Classic makeup game and witnessed what was arguably the worst loss of the season. Given these two horrifying experiences and the context of the 2009 season, I think I'm entitled to blow off a little bitter steam. I have always been and will always remain a die-hard Cubs fan. But we're dying right now. And it's hard.

Below are a few thoughts for key members of the Chicago Cubs organization. Names have been altered to protect the guilty.

Alfon-So Sore-iano
What's that? You think you should be the leadoff man? Why? "Because" isn't a reason.
What's that? Your knee is sore? Then why are you in the starting lineup?
What's that? The sun is bright and makes you fall down in the outfield? Here's some cash. Catch the next plane back to Yankee Stadium. Just don't sit in an exit row. In the case of an emergency, I doubt you'd have the stamina to help with the door.

Milton Boo-Radley
There are a lot of things I could say (and did say, when we signed you), but I guess my greatest disappointment is that you didn't find this rage and start channeling it into offensive production in April. That might have been helpful. Here's some cash. Soriano needs someone to massage his knee on the flight to New York.

Ignore-amis Ram-Error-ez
I look back on your 2003 arrival as one of Hendry's shining moments. You've served us well when you haven't been injured, but I have to wonder if the clock is striking midnight and we're going to wake up to find a pumpkin playing third base. At this point, cash might be more valuable to us than your cortisone-filled shoulder. Also, when a ground ball comes your way, it's generally expected that you will attempt to field it. Just a thought.

Mike FontOh-No
The experiment is over. You have not proven your extended usefulness. Do not pass Go. Do not collect whatever paltry amount we're paying you. We need that cash now more than ever. Plus, we'll need to be fitting Mark Grace's number for a flag soon.

Errin' Miles
I don't know why Lou keeps putting you in the game. It must be some sort of cruel joke that serves as a microcosm for the 2009 season. If you're batting average were any lower, we'd have to use four decimal places.

Jus-OK Fukodome
You definitely turned a corner this year, but you missed your exit at international superstar and got off at mediocre instead. Here's some cash. Keep driving.

Geovany So-So
Remember when you were Rookie of the Year? So does Jerome Walton. I knew it was too good to be true that the Cubs had one of the best catchers in recent memory. Insert marijuana joke here.

Carlos Ham-brano
We had some good times, Big Z. But you're getting better at playing softball and the Blame Game than baseball. We need cash and you need to take your circus to a new town. Everybody wins.

Carlos Uh-Ohl
Are you a setup man? Are you a closer? Are you just another empty promise? Make up your mind and we'll make up ours.

Kevin Dreggs
Nice goggles. Too bad they're rose-colored.

Lose Piniella
To paraphrase a Star Wars prequel that is almost as wretched as the season you just sleepwalked through, "You were the Chosen One! You were supposed to bring a title to Wrigleyville, not postseason meltdowns and managerial mistakes!" I don't know what you plan to do at the end of this season, but I think it should involve a picnic lunch and a fishing pole. You had your chance, old man. And you put in Aaron Miles.

Derrek Lee
I have no issues with you, big boy. But you could have chosen a better day to have a kid.

And...scene. I'm not gonna lie--that felt good. But now it's time to put bitterness aside and move on to fervent hope. I fervently hope the Ricketts family is financially prepared to eat a ton of overpriced salary money in the off-season. I fervently hope they will start fostering young talent in the farm system. I fervently hope they will find a new general manager who can build a team of solid players, not marquee names.

I fervently hope the bitterness will really go away.

After years of saying it ain’t so, Sammy Sosa’s jig is up. While preparing for a Crosstown Classic that was ultimately rained out, Cubs Nation was less than shocked to receive the New York Times report that Sosa is on the list of players who failed 2003’s anonymous test for performance-enhancing drug use.

While no one can even pretend to be surprised by this development, I disagree with those who contend that this is not newsworthy. Until now, Sammy Sosa was the proud gladiator riding the noble steed of Truth and Justice. Despite the fact that the world watched him grow from a lithe and speedy 30-30 Club member to the Incredible Hulk, Sosa insisted his records were clean and his homers were real. Even as the reputations of his PED-popping contemporaries fell around him, Sosa maintained his purity. The man committed perjury at a congressional hearing on the subject and, as recently as a few months ago, Saint Sammy stated that he would “calmly wait” for his induction into the Hall of Fame after his retirement.

“I always played with love and responsibility and I assure you that I will not answer nor listen to rumors,” Sosa told ESPN. “If anything ugly comes up in the future, we will confront it immediately, but with all our strength because I will not allow anybody to tarnish what I did in the field.”

Ugly? Check. Tarnished? Check. Right about now, I’ll bet Sammy is wishing he had put that cork in his mouth instead of his bat. But it’s too late.

In the mid-to-late 1990s, there were only two Cubs worth watching—Sammy Sosa and Mark Grace. I am proud to count myself among the Gracie contingent and I spent most of Sosa’s heyday resenting his worldwide popularity and the fact that this self-serving glory hog was the face of the Chicago Cubs. Did I enjoy it when he saved the day with a mile-high home run? Of course. Like any die-hard Cubs fan, I want the Cubs to win and I will support any (legal) efforts to achieve that end. I wanted to believe the myth like so many Sosa fans seemed to, but between his self-serving style of play, propensity to swing for the fences on pitches that were low and away, and postgame sound bytes proclaiming his own godhood, Sosa managed to earn my infrequent applause, but never my admiration.

While the story of the baseball-loving kid in the Dominican Republic who grew up playing with a milk jug for a mitt is inspiring, the experience certainly didn’t teach Sammy any humility. Aside from the physical changes and the increase in his power numbers, Sosa’s ballooning ego was the real tipoff that he was a steroid abuser. His arrogance and insatiable lust for the spotlight made him a perfect candidate. [Side note: I think it’s time to start investigating agent Scott Boras. How many of his clients have been caught ‘roiding it now?]

It’s wrong to take pleasure in someone else’s misery, but I couldn’t help feeling vindicated when I heard the news today. Sosa will finally get what he deserves and I’m glad some conclusive proof came to light before the Cubs organization started beatifying him alongside true Cubs legends who earned their place in the annals of baseball history with hard work and real muscle. I can’t wait to hear Sosa’s interpretation of these new facts. I’m sure the test was incorrectly administered or his urine sample got mixed up with A-Rod’s.

After the epic 1998 home run chase that saved (and now clearly destroyed) baseball, a hero-worshipping animated movie about Sosa’s life and success was released. I think it’s time for a sequel. And the hero just officially became the villain.

It's the eternal debate that usually crops up during the summer's Crosstown Classic, Windy City Showdown, Red Line Series or whatever they're going to call it this year.

Can a Chicagoan--in good conscience--root, root, root for both the Cubs and the White Sox?

A Chicago Public Radio poll asks that very question today.

Although I'm sure the comments section below will offer a variety of opinions on the subject, I'm inclined to emphatically say NO.

While I've never been a White Sox fan and can't speak to that experience, I know that true Cubs fans are born--by geography, by upbringing or in a moment of salvation when they realize that they have been unapologetically devoting significant amounts of time and energy to a sometimes hopeless cause. There is no straddling of the fence with something like that. Either you're in or you're out. And if you're in, there's no room for any other allegiances in your heart. You root for the Cubs and whoever the Cardinals are playing.

Anything else smacks of an approval-seeking politician. I mean, the rivalry between the two teams runs deep enough to merit its own Wikipedia entry. Pick a side and root passionately, Chicago.

Am I wrong? Crazy? Clueless? To quote the great Harry Caray (who successfully worked both sides of town), "Lemme hear ya!"

Photo by Zesmerelda

The Home Opener isn't until today (weather permitting...), but this young Cubs season has already been filled to the brim with drama, heartache and ecstasy.

If you watched tonight's game, I hope you had a defribillator standing by during the fifth inning. With the Cubs up 6 to 2, starter Ryan Dempster sought to throw the game away with one pitch by loading the bases for the Brew Crew's powerfully rotund Prince Fielder.

Fielder connected and sent a towering fly ball to right centerfield. Fortunately, Cubs outfielder Reed Johnson (a mid-game replacement after Milton Bradley shockingly injured his groin) was ready to perform an Easter miracle. Flying through the air with the greatest of ease, Johnson scaled the wall, stretched his mitt over the top of the wall and snatched the ball from the clutches of the centerfield bullpen to nullify a would-be game-tying grand slam.

See for yourself. I've watched it about 12 times and I don't think I'll ever get sick of it. My favorite part might be Fielder's dejected walk back to the dugout. That's gotta hurt.

I've seen a lot of baseball games and this is definitely near the top of my list of defensive plays. Aside from Johnson's impeccably timed jump, the situation surrounding the play increases the importance of the catch. We won the rubber game of the series, made Brewers fans cry on Easter and created some awesome momentum going into our first homestand. A stellar defensive play means so much more when it has side benefits like that.

This weekend's series is also a testament to the grand rivalry that has developed between the Brewers and the Cubbies. Every game was a playoffesque battle, and I'm happy to report that we're winning the war right now.

Nevertheless, the Cubs have some questions to answer. Most pressing: Does Lou Piniella know how to manage the bullpen? How much more time do we give Kevin Gregg as closer? And is Johnson's catch just one more reason to put Fukudome on the bench?

Leave your thoughts below and happy Opening Day!