Today another person is added to the roster of the nation's unemployed. I am speaking, of course, of President George W. Bush.
Now, I might not have liked Bush. In fact, on more than one occassion I might have remarked that he should be retroactively aborted so we could harvest his stem cells, but it is always sad when another American loses his job.
In less than 11 hours, President Bush and I will be part of the same club, The Unemployment Club. And unlike the Skull and Bones, this one only requires a metaphoric paddling from members of the upper-crust.
So, to this new member of my tribe, I welcome you with advice, advice culled from my jobless, moneyless, couch-surfing existance in one of the nation's coldest cities.
The first step is finding a place to sleep at night.
Before I moved into Rob and Ragna's guest bedroom for an unknown and ongoing period of time, I stayed with my parents for a few weeks. I suggest this to you.
Not my parents, of course. My dad would gloat all the time and my mom might take a swing at you. But I'm sure George Aych-Dub and Barbara would love to have their little boy back at home, safe from the big, bad world.
Plus, with little brother Jeb also looking for work, you two could bunk together. It'll be like old times, playing "Hide and Seek the WMDs" (you never won), "Kick the Can" (nostalgically), "Kick the Bucket" (ideally) or call little Kathy Harris over to play "Jews for Buchanan."
But staying with the folks can be a drag, what with mom always making Laura sleep on the downstairs couch "so there's no funny business." Then the time comes to visit friends and really focus on the next stage of your career.
It might be rude to walk in the door of a friend's house carrying the gym bag in which you have most of your worldly possessions. It's presuming it's cool if you crash there. But, trust me, don't leave it in the car. Toiletries freeze.
Oh, the memories I have of trying to primp with frozen shave gel and aftershave lotion that's much, much crispier than lotion should be. I hope to share such memories with you soon, Bushie.
I was getting ready for a date, damn it.
You have to ask if it's cool if you stay while your friends are at work, otherwise ettiquette demands you find ways to kill the hours before the next friend is at home.
It gets cold during the day, but coffee shops let you stay for hours as long as you pretend you still have anything left in the cup you're pretending to drink from. Find one that has free Wi-Fi. You'll need that Internet thing for your upcoming job search.
For my chosen profession, I check the listings at JournalismJobs.com, but you might have more luck with PresidentialCareerBuilder.com, CommanderInChiefJobBoard.org or WarmongeringShitFuckers.net.
Or, of course, Monster.com.
Don't be afraid to look for work abroad. It's a global economy out there and that might be your best bet.
How about a job in Sweden? Or Brazil? Or Vietnam? Isn't it about time you went to Vietnam?
I suggest Iraq for you. It's a beautiful country with miles and miles of clear views -- unobstructed by standing buildings. There's lots of jobs there. For some reason, they have a hard time filling posts calling for able-bodied men between the ages of 12 and 75.
I say just go there. Walk around, take it all in. Leave the Secret Service at home. They would just be a distraction in your all-important job hunt.
But people don't get very far without networking, so you have to go around and introduce yourself to as many people as possible. Just walk around any single town in Iraq, go up to any person you see and loudly shout, "I'm George W. Bush. Want to see my resume?"
And leave the Secret Service at home. I can't stress this part enough.
There are joys to being broke and unemployed, from having to steal Pop Tarts from your best friend to changing your LinkedIn description to "freelance." It's a wonderful life, full of canned beans, dodging railyard bulls and carrying a knapsack on the end of a long stick you throw over your shoulder. (It's called a "bindle.")
But there's always hope. I mean, look at that Obama guy. He just found a job, even in this economy.
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Paul Dailing
Paul Dailing (pictured standing in front of the World's Largest Boot), now has a different haircut. He's also lost a bit of weight since that picture was taken, but not as much as he likes to think. More
Comments
Funny stuff, Paul. Keep that blood pressure high and those fingers typing.
Be it anyone, unemployment is a serious issue, especially so in the current scenario where economic meltdown has left many of us unemployed. You have to be really careful and strategize your moves to survive this recession. Found a really interesting article about surviving recession at:
http://info.shine.com/Career-Advice-Articles/Surviving-Recession/Survivi...
Have a look, you may find it useful.
Reading this article was like reading a great John Grisham novel. It really paints a great picture to whomever is reading it.
Its also very funny but realistic. It gives me a break from my email marketing to soak up the opinions of others and raises wareness to the fact that we need more jobs everywhere we turn.
Unemployment this days is a clear manifestation of the great Economic crisis we are facing. One of the many economic indicators that people like to tout to show you how good or bad things are is the Economic Stress Index, or the relative amount of stress that people feel about the economy in their area. The Economic Stress Index is still high which is high stress, but it is starting to dip. The unemployment rate is also starting to trend downward, in that fewer people are being laid off, but not everyone is hiring. Credit card lenders and mortgage lenders, however will be playing it safe, so despite the leveling off of the Economic Stress Index, the credit industry is still in need of debt relief.
Unemployment this days is a clear manifestation of the great Economic crisis we are facing. One of the many economic indicators that people like to tout to show you how good or bad things are is the Economic Stress Index, or the relative amount of stress that people feel about the economy in their area. The Economic Stress Index is still high which is high stress, but it is starting to dip. The unemployment rate is also starting to trend downward, in that fewer people are being laid off, but not everyone is hiring. Credit card lenders and mortgage lenders, however will be playing it safe, so despite the leveling off of the Economic Stress Index, the credit industry is still in need of debt relief.
Most of us are reluctant to make the necessary changes in our lives to respond to new opportunities.
One of my favorite experiences was responding to a member of the audience who asked my fellow 5th District Congressional candidates what they would do to lighten the personal income tax burden for unemployment compensation recipients.
My reply encouraged the questioner to explore new employment opportunities & to apply for the $5,000 once-in-a-lifetime federal grant which would allow her to retrain in to a new occupation.
That audience member seemed disappointed that my suggestions required her to make such an effort when the business cycle had dislodged her from her gainful employment through no fault of her own.
I continued to assist unemployed Chicagoans on a pro bono basis, especially with respect to their application for unemployment compensation
You do realize Lovelyn is a spambot, right?
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