My roommate and I have opted not to purchase cable TV. I can hear the gasps now.

For me this isn’t much of a change. I didn’t have more than 5 channels until I was about 16, and once you can drive television kinda takes a backseat (pun!). The reason for no TV is simple: we are cheap. Granted it is only an extra $20 a month but that is money that is best wasted elsewhere. RCN or Comcast can kiss my grits. Not only did I enjoy whatever that $20 was purchasing, I enjoyed the fact that some cable conglomerate wasn’t pawing my ever limited Andrew Jacksons. Besides I can get almost anything of the internet - legally. South Park Studios and Hulu are fantastic. The Office is on a day after it plays and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia sometimes runs without commercials. With those two shows, I was pretty much set on the TV front.

Then football season rolled around. I am not a huge pigskin fan, but my roommate has an unhealthy and disturbing relationship with the Dallas Cowboys. I know he won’t admit it but I am pretty sure he has a Starter Pullover somewhere in the apartment, and you can bet your last penny that there is a big stupid star on it. Anyways through a series of bribes, thumb wrestling and name calling our TV got rabbit ears. It is the most ghetto of TV accessories. I can’t even call the antenna rabbit ears because there is only one “ear.” The other ear must have been torn off or used in a Halloween costume because it is long gone. To make up for the absence of the other ear the usual tricks have been applied. There is a wad of tin foil on the end of the antenna and each channel has its own position for the best reception. Oddly enough, FOX is all the way on the left (eat it Bill O’Reilly).

Because of football, TV slowly crept its way back into my life. It started with Scrubs. That show has to be some kind of population control because it is always on soothing me into a deep sitcom coma. After Scrubs it was downhill. I caught myself watching TJ Hooker and Star Trek (the original) in the same day – a near lethal dose of Shatner. From there I started to spiral out of control. Before long I was watching Telemundo. I started rationalizing.

“I don’t speak Spanish but you don’t watch three Steven Segal movies because of the witty banter. Besides Roadhouse is on next. Swayze is the same in any language."

or

"Staying up till three in the morning to watch a PBS special on Nixon is sort of like sleeping. I think I move less when watching TV and I'm learning."

My schedule started to change. Periods of time were now missing from the free time I had after work. The rabbit ear was singing to me from 7pm (6pm central) to 10pm (9pm central) Monday through Thursday. Meals were being cooked around the Telemundo Feature (Lethal Weapon is still Lethal Weapon in Spanish), and my bed time was shifting. Saturday mornings were yet again reserved for cartoons. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are still on. Awesome.)

It was when I found myself watching Jerry Springer’s closing arguments that I realized I had hit rock bottom. There is nothing lower on television than Springer’s attempt at wisdom after hookers beat the hell out of each other on his show. I had to cut myself off. For a few days I disabled the antenna, which was inevitably reattached on Sunday. Then I just tried to avoid the television all together. I refused to acknowledge it was there like Señor Crow did in Una Mente Hermosa. No Dice. The TV still went on automatically when I walked in the door, entertaining me, comforting me.

There really is no other solution. I have lost. Consider this post my surrender to RCN and or Comcast. I submit myself to your will(s).

Photo Courtesy of ZZZeDDD

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Andy Fliege
Andy graduated from the University of Iowa with an English degree. His love for all things electric came out of necessity. More